“Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? “ (Girl Interrupted)
The structure of my entire personality is built using the identity, ideology, and the wishes of others. I feel like a parasite, leaching from the personalities of those i know. Everyday I wake up, look in the mirror to and watch myself drift slowly down into the abyss of nothingness. There is no personality inside this being, there is nothing but a stone cold void. Its like i’ve never really exsisted.
Life has become a hectic journey of nauseating ups and terrifying downs, and there is no way of opting out . The medication I have been prescribed has thrown me into this dazed version of a life where all I can do is react, never act. The world is in slow motion and i’m simply surviving as a sample of a soul, made to look like a human being.
There are days when I dont want to breathe, to feed my being. I want nothing. To be blank. Away from me. Dont talk to me. Dont be nice to me. Dont make me like you. It makes it worse. To live a life of hatred for who I am. Nothing changes. Dont look at me. Dont ask me questions. Dont listen to me. Stop. Finish me, end me, erase me.
Living with this mental illness is one gigantic struggle. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, for it to vanish. Sudden glimpses of what its like to be ‘normal’ but they never last. Its like climbing a mountain with the summit just out of reach, only to get lost in the clouds. To then be found at the bottom again with an empty bottle of pills or a squirting artery.
Living an exsistance of feeling small, worthless, stupid, inferior. I hate myself, I truly detest every inch of myself. It can be incredibly hard to believe that I am loved by those close to me. I find myself questioning their motives. Simply because, why would anyone love this!? I’m certain that I am a pathetic excuse of a human being.
I have been been laying here for hours, plagued by insomnia. Now the sun is up and I can hear people in their cars going to work, going about their normal lives. I have become to despise sunrise because I should be living out there in the real world. But i’m a crazy insomniac who is not trusted to leave the house as i’m apparently a ‘threat to myself and others’. What am I doing? I’m off work. Why? Whats going on? I want more than anything to go back to work and start living again. I want to re-take the A-levels that my illness took away from me. I’m certain my Psychiatrist does not believe me. Maybe he should be here when i’m beating the walls.
A few extracts from my journal with a few new thoughts.